pinky

noun the finger farthest from the thumb (syn the little finger)
{ref: www.dictionary.com}

so last last weekend, i was warming up for our softball game and a grounder bounced up funny and hit my 4th and 5th fingers (ring and little fingers) on my right hand. the 4th finger was fine, but by the time the 1st inning rolled around, my pinky finger was quite the swollen, to the point where i could no longer close it. i continued to play (yes, i've been told by many that i'm nuts to have continued to play), and by the end of the game, it was swollen and bruised. i believe will jung described it as looking over-inflated. :P anyway, needless to say it was extremely painful in the days to follow and i had to tape it up, and basically immobilize it.

i always thought that there wasn't really much use for the pinky. sure, we use it to type, play instruments, hold stuff, but for the most part, you can do a lot of those things without the use of your little finger. little did i know what an impact having a taped up and immobilized pinky would have. here are just a few of the challenges i had to face with my jammed / injured pinky:

- can't type as efficiently or quickly (try typing with your pinky completely straight at all times and unable to withstand even the pressure of pushing a keyboard key down... even worse when you tape your pinky to your 4th finger for further stability... typing is EXTREMELY hard)

- can't really write well as the pinky usually curls under the rest of the hand so as not to be in the way, and eases the flow of writing (again, try writing with your pinky completely straight)

- opening anything that has a cap is a challenge... even something as simple as an iced tea bottle or a bottle of whiteout (normally your pinky would curl as well and aid in providing strength to open the bottle... hard to do when it's taped straight)

- difficult to hold a bag or anything that has handles as the pinky cannot bend around it providing support and stability to the hand that is carrying the item

- really hard to hold a bat and hit as you can't really grip as well with the hand that has the injured pinky... somewhat throws off your balance and control

those are just some of the examples. you can try to do any of the above items with your pinky taped straight, and see just how hard it really is! but i guess the upside is that anything you do seems all the more polite and dainty cuz your pinky's up all the time :P

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anyway, i got to thinking about how such a small, little, seemingly insignificant finger can have such a large impact and can make some of the simplest tasks in life all the more difficult when injured or incapacitated. where am i going with this? well before people think i'm crazy in finding such deep meaning in a jammed pinky... let me just say this... sometimes i feel like a pinky. :/

what does that mean? sometimes i feel insignificant, unimportant, small (in more ways than just my vertically challenged height), and well, invisible. and while the better part of me knows that, like a pinky, i do serve a purpose and have meaning and are important to those around me, it's sometimes very difficult to see that for myself. and as a result, i dig myself into this rut of sorts, where i become a hermit and seclude myself from the rest of the world. what's kinda interesting is that all the years of design school have taught me how to be a hermit inconspicuously. instead of flat out avoiding people and not talking to anyone, i still maintain some sort of social face and talk to people, but often head home when given the first opportunity (often without even giving notice that i'm leaving) rather than going to hang out with others. and for those that know me well, if i leave without saying g'bye, there's usually something majorly wrong, and it usually has something to do with feeling invisible... like a pinky.

i know it's not the best solution or best way to work out these feelings of pinky-ness. heading home and away from community results in my feeling more pinky-like, but home is my safe haven, where i can run from the rest of the world and re-emerge when i'm not feeling so pinky-esque. these senses of invisibility and insignificance happen in waves, some waves more drastic than others and they USUALLY blow over and go away, but sometimes they last a bit longer, and i hide from the world for a little longer than usual (in an inconspicuous manner of course). i'd like to come to some grand conclusion and come across some divine intervention, but i haven't quite gotten there. just figured it was something i'd throw out there.

anyway, my right pinky is still sore, and i'm dreading a doctor's call that will tell me that my x-rays were positive and there's something seriously wrong with my pinky. but in the meantime, i'm really feeling like one. :P